Relationships & Marriage Jokes
Welcome to the Relationship Wing of the Old Jokes Home — where romance, routine and questionable communication styles live side by side. Expect sarcasm, accidental truths and the sort of domestic disasters only love can survive.
Whenever my wife is upset, I let her colour in my tattoos. She just needs a shoulder to crayon.
Wife: Do you drink beer?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: How many beers per day?
Husband: Maybe 3 or 4 beers a day on average.
Wife: How much do you pay for beer?
Husband: £6 or so a pint.
Lady: How long have you been drinking?
Husband: Maybe 20 years or so.
Wife: So four beers a day equates to £25 per day, that’s £175 per week, £1,225 per month, nearly £15,000 per year and £300,000 in your lifetime.
Husband: Yes that sounds about right my love.
Wife: Did you know that if you put that money in a savings account after interest you would have had enough money to buy a Ferrari?
Husband: Do you drink beer my love?
Wife: No of course I don’t.
Husband: So where's your bloody Ferrari then?
A guy sits at the bar in a pub and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, mate?" the barman asks.
"My wife and I had a massive row and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the barman says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah, but today is the last day” says the guy.
Last night my wife said to me, "You look better without your glasses".
I said, "Thanks, you look better without my glasses too".
My friend’s wife left him last week. She said she was going out for milk and never came back.
I asked him how he was coping.
He said, "Not bad, I've been using some of that powdered stuff".
My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm A Believer" by The Monkees because she found it annoying.
At first, I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face...
I phoned the wife and said, "I've got something to tell you, but it's hard to say".
She replied nervously, “Go on please just say it”.
I said, "Ken Dodd's dad's dog's died".
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working, I'm going to my mum’s.”
I opened the fridge, the light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
My wife was going through her wardrobe.
She said, "Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years".
I said, "Love, it's a scarf".
I was out with my wife when we saw this drunk guy.
I asked my wife, "Who is he?"
She replied, "Ten years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him".
I said, "Oh my god, he's still celebrating".
My girlfriend knows very little about football.
I asked her if she liked George Best and her response was that she preferred Zippy and Bungle better!
A bitter husband says to his wife, "On your gravestone I'll put the words COLD AS EVER."
The wife replies, “On yours, I'll put STIFF AT LAST."
Got the wife a Pug Dog yesterday.
Despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat...the Dog seems to like her!
My husband suggested that we go to the bar separately to relive our first date.
So, he walked over to me at the bar and asked, “Hi babe, can I buy you a drink?".
I replied, “Get lost, I'm not falling for that again”.
Me and the wife were playing in a mixed doubles golf match with a mate and his wife. We were just about to tee off when a male streaker ran across the fairway.
“Goodness gracious” said my mate, “Is that Dick Green?”
My missus chipped in with “No, I think it’s just reflected light from the grass!”
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year-old son wasn't actually mine. She added that I need to pay more attention when doing the school pick up.
My wife said, "Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?"
I replied, "Are you mad? I barely know the woman!"
My wife just turned to me and said, "I was talking to you and you yawned six times, am I boring you?"
I said, "Those were not yawns those were six unsuccessful attempts to speak."
I was in bed with the girlfriend and she said, "You have got to be the worst lover in the world!"
I replied, "Oh really, exactly how did you work that out in 15 seconds?"
My wife asked, "Would you like something to eat?"
I replied, "What are my options?"
She said, "Yes or No.”
Wife: "I was dreaming I was at Tesco."
Me: "I was dreaming I was in bed with three women."
Wife: "Was I there?"
Me: "No you were at Tesco."
I'm in a same-sex marriage. The sex is always the same.
I was shopping with my wife earlier, when she looked at me and said,
"You are a lazy bastard at times.”
I was so shocked, I nearly fell out of the trolley.
My husband said that an onion is the only food that makes him cry so I threw a coconut at his head.
My wife left me today, she said I put football ahead of our marriage. I am gutted we were together for 12 seasons.
A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six, did he have a different father?"
His wife, crying uncontrollably, replies, “Yes my love” and he replies breathlessly, "Whose child is it?"
His wife replies, "That one was yours.”
My wife asked me if I had any fantasies. I said, "I've got this one where we pretend that we're complete strangers and have never met.”
She said, "What, and you pick me up in some bar?"
I said, "No, just the first bit."
My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so l crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.
My wife texted me this morning and said, "Your great" and I replied, "No, you're great." She's been in a great mood ever since. I’ve decided I should correct her grammar more often.
A bloke is at a counselling meeting with his wife when the speaker mentioned that couples are so disconnected these days and that 85% of husbands don't even know their wives’ favourite flowers. The bloke turns to his wife and whispers, “It’s self-raising isn't it, love?”