Relationships & Marriage Jokes
Welcome to the Relationship Wing of the Old Jokes Home — where romance, routine and questionable communication styles live side by side. Expect sarcasm, accidental truths and the sort of domestic disasters only love can survive.
Whenever my wife is upset, I let her colour in my tattoos. She just needs a shoulder to crayon.
Wife: Do you drink beer?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: How many beers per day?
Husband: Maybe 3 or 4 beers a day on average.
Wife: How much do you pay for beer?
Husband: £6 or so a pint.
Lady: How long have you been drinking?
Husband: Maybe 20 years or so.
Wife: So four beers a day equates to £25 per day, that’s £175 per week, £1,225 per month, nearly £15,000 per year and £300,000 in your lifetime.
Husband: Yes that sounds about right my love.
Wife: Did you know that if you put that money in a savings account after interest you would have had enough money to buy a Ferrari?
Husband: Do you drink beer my love?
Wife: No of course I don’t.
Husband: So where's your bloody Ferrari then?
A guy sits at the bar in a pub and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, mate?" the barman asks.
"My wife and I had a massive row and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the barman says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah, but today is the last day” says the guy.
Last night my wife said to me, "You look better without your glasses".
I said, "Thanks, you look better without my glasses too".
My friend’s wife left him last week. She said she was going out for milk and never came back.
I asked him how he was coping.
He said, "Not bad, I've been using some of that powdered stuff".
My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm A Believer" by The Monkees because she found it annoying.
At first, I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face...
I phoned the wife and said, "I've got something to tell you, but it's hard to say".
She replied nervously, “Go on please just say it”.
I said, "Ken Dodd's dad's dog's died".
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn't working, I'm going to my mum’s.”
I opened the fridge, the light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
My wife was going through her wardrobe.
She said, "Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years".
I said, "Love, it's a scarf".
I was out with my wife when we saw this drunk guy.
I asked my wife, "Who is he?"
She replied, "Ten years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him".
I said, "Oh my god, he's still celebrating".
My girlfriend knows very little about football.
I asked her if she liked George Best and her response was that she preferred Zippy and Bungle better!
A bitter husband says to his wife, "On your gravestone I'll put the words COLD AS EVER."
The wife replies, “On yours, I'll put STIFF AT LAST."
Got the wife a Pug Dog yesterday.
Despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat...the Dog seems to like her!
My husband suggested that we go to the bar separately to relive our first date.
So, he walked over to me at the bar and asked, “Hi babe, can I buy you a drink?".
I replied, “Get lost, I'm not falling for that again”.
Me and the wife were playing in a mixed doubles golf match with a mate and his wife. We were just about to tee off when a male streaker ran across the fairway.
“Goodness gracious” said my mate, “Is that Dick Green?”
My missus chipped in with “No, I think it’s just reflected light from the grass!”
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year-old son wasn't actually mine. She added that I need to pay more attention when doing the school pick up.
My wife said, "Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?"
I replied, "Are you mad? I barely know the woman!"
My wife just turned to me and said, "I was talking to you and you yawned six times, am I boring you?"
I said, "Those were not yawns those were six unsuccessful attempts to speak."
I was in bed with the girlfriend and she said, "You have got to be the worst lover in the world!"
I replied, "Oh really, exactly how did you work that out in 15 seconds?"
My wife asked, "Would you like something to eat?"
I replied, "What are my options?"
She said, "Yes or No.”
Wife: "I was dreaming I was at Tesco."
Me: "I was dreaming I was in bed with three women."
Wife: "Was I there?"
Me: "No you were at Tesco."
I'm in a same-sex marriage. The sex is always the same.
I was shopping with my wife earlier, when she looked at me and said,
"You are a lazy bastard at times.”
I was so shocked, I nearly fell out of the trolley.
My husband said that an onion is the only food that makes him cry so I threw a coconut at his head.
My wife left me today, she said I put football ahead of our marriage. I am gutted we were together for 12 seasons.
A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six, did he have a different father?"
His wife, crying uncontrollably, replies, “Yes my love” and he replies breathlessly, "Whose child is it?"
His wife replies, "That one was yours.”
My wife asked me if I had any fantasies. I said, "I've got this one where we pretend that we're complete strangers and have never met.”
She said, "What, and you pick me up in some bar?"
I said, "No, just the first bit."
My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so l crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.
My wife texted me this morning and said, "Your great" and I replied, "No, you're great." She's been in a great mood ever since. I’ve decided I should correct her grammar more often.
A bloke is at a counselling meeting with his wife when the speaker mentioned that couples are so disconnected these days and that 85% of husbands don't even know their wives’ favourite flowers. The bloke turns to his wife and whispers, “It’s self-raising isn't it, love?
Husband: "When I get cross with you, you never argue back. How do you control your anger?" Wife: "I clean the toilet." Husband: "How does that help?" Wife: "I use your toothbrush."
I told my wife the Amazon driver claims to have slept with every woman in our street except one! My wife said, "It's probably that stuck-up bitch at No.14."
A husband died, and a few years later his wife died. When she got to heaven, she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you," she says. The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him, "Steady there woman, the contract was until death."
My wife asked me, “What would be the female equivalent of a man cave?” I said to her, “That would be a kitchen." By the way, does anyone have a place I can stay for a few nights?
A wife’s prayer; Dear God You gave me a childhood... You took it away... You gave me youth... You took it away... You gave me a husband... It's been years now, I’m just saying.
The police came to my house today and said, “It looks like your husband has been hit by a bus.” I said, "I know, but other than that, he has a lovely personality and he’s great with the kids”
I was getting out of the shower when my girlfriend said, "You're getting fat, just look at that belly. When was the last time you saw your pecker?" I replied, “It's been a long time to be fair." She said, "Why don't you diet?" I replied, “Why, what colour is it now?"
My wife just got home, and she said, “I've got good news and bad news!" I said, “Just give me the good news.” She said, “Ok, the airbags on the new car work fine.”
This is how I apologise to my husband; I'm sorry that you chose to make me angry.
This morning, my husband said he was leaving me because of my obsession with Wham. I said, “Ok, wake me up before you go go.”
I thought my first girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse outfit, a French maid outfit and a police uniform, I decided if she can't hold down a job, she is not the one for me.
For the past 20 years l've received a Valentine’s card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First, my granny dies and now this.
A guy brings his best buddy home unannounced for dinner after enjoying a day of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open-mouthed, listening to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, and the dishes are still in the sink. I'm completely exhausted. I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my pyjamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why did you bring him home without letting me know first, you stupid moron?” she rants! The husband replies: "Because he's thinking of getting married."
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, then he will. There is no need to remind him every 3 months.
My wife alternates playing her guitar, the drums and her flute every month. It's part of her minstrel cycle.
People who claim their wedding day was the best day of their lives have obviously never had two KitKats fall out of a vending machine together.
My wife says she is divorcing me because of my obsession with television soap operas. But will she really leave me? Find out next week, doof-doof-doof.
Gentlemen, if your salary is £60k pa and your wife’s salary is £40k pa, the total household income is £60k pa, not £100k pa. If you understand this simple calculation, you will always have peace in your home.
Three things in life require witnesses: Crimes Accidents Marriages - I’ll just leave that with you!
My husband and I have found a great way to make our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant for some wine, great food and good conversation. He goes on a Tuesday, and I go on a Friday.
I asked my wife what she thought the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn naked. She responded, "They would think I married you for your money!"
I said to my wife, "Your underwear is much too tight and revealing", and she replied, “Then wear your own.”
My wife and I were lying in bed last night when she said, "Whisper filthy things to me." I replied, "Bathroom, kitchen, living room." And that was how the fight started.
I'm bored already without football, so I decided to start talking to my wife. Apparently, she's been made redundant from Woolworths. I’m gutted for her.
Two men are playing golf. One's about to take a swing when a funeral procession passes by. He pauses, removes his cap, bows his head, and stands quietly. His mate says, "That's the most respectful thing I've ever seen." The man replies, "Well, we were married for 35 years."
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile, and I’m so angry about her lies. She is certainly not “fun to be around.”