Welcome to the Tall Tales Ward: home of the longer, stranger, wonderfully ridiculous stories that deserve their own armchair. Sit back, pour a cuppa and enjoy a good yarn, Old Jokes Home style.
An old spinster decided that she would like to try motherhood. So, with the help of a fertility clinic and a lot of careful management, at the tender age of sixty-five, she has a little boy. When she returns from the hospital, all her relatives rally round to visit her.
"Can we see the baby,” they all ask.
"Not yet, he’s asleep,” the proud mother says.
An hour goes by and the crowd are getting restless.
"Can we see the baby now?”
"Not yet,” replied the new mum.
Another hour passes and the family are starting to doubt the authenticity of the child.
"Can we see the baby now?”
"No, not yet”
"Why not?”
"Because I’ve forgotten where I put him and I’m waiting for him to cry!”
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a cheese sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on you are a duck!”
“Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again,” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck his pint. "It's just that we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. “He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the Ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
The very next day the duck comes into the pub and the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I can get you work in the town if you are interested?"
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is this job?"
“At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again, “with the big tent with the hole in the top where the pole goes through?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Yes, of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .......
"What would they want with a plasterer?"
A bloke drags a huge box to the Antiques Roadshow. The expert says
"Where did you find this?"
Bloke says "It’s been in the attic for 40 years and I think it must be a family heirloom."
"I see," says the expert, "Tell me, do you have insurance?”
"No," he replies "Do you think I should get some?"
"Yeah," replies the expert, “it's your water tank."
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.
"I want to live forever." I said.
"Sorry." said the fairy.
"I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine" I said
"I want to die when England win the World Cup then."
"You crafty bugger." said the fairy.
The wife and I went to Wales, and we stopped at
Lanfairpwllgyngyllgogerychyrndeobwylllantysiliogogoch for lunch.
I said to the waitress, "Before we order, can you pronounce where we are, very slowly."
She leaned over and said, "Burr...gerr...king!"
I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter what the specials were. He said: “We've got whale meat, whale meat, or whale meat.” I asked if he had anything other than whale meat? He said, “We've got the Vera Lynn special.” I said, “What's the Vera Lynn special?” He said, “That’s whale meat again.”
Three racehorses go into a bar. They order 3 large beers with chasers, and after a brief pause, the first horse says, "You know, a weird thing, I ran at Doncaster today, and with one furlong to go, I was ahead by a length, and suddenly, I get this piercing pain in my genitals, and I pull up and came in last. My jockey was NOT happy.” They get another round in and the second racehorse pipes up, “Here,” he says, "that sounds like what happened to me at York, three lengths in front, bang, massive stabbing pain right between my legs, and I pulled up short.” The third horse says, “I can't believe it, the same thing happened to me at Lingfield. What on earth is going on?” Just then, a greyhound walks into the bar. “I say chaps,” he says, "sorry to butt in like this, but I couldn't help overhearing what happened to you. The same thing happened to me at Romford, I’m out in front, competition blown away, wham! Piercing pain between my legs, and I lose by miles.” The horses look at each other speechless, and the first horse says, "Blimey, a talking dog!!!”
A beautiful German woman married an Essex lad, and they lived happily in his hometown of Maldon. The poor lady didn't speak English but was able to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher’s and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store because he spoke English. Wait … what were you thinking?
Jeff walks into the pub and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well", replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got aroused every time I saw her?" "Yes", replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well", says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening" continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape and taped ‘it’ to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible", says Jeff. "So, I get to her door", says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."
The Pope is handing out miracles to kids in Liverpool. Billy walks on stage and asks him, “Hey Pope, can you help me with my hearing?” The Pope replies, "Yes, of course, my son" and puts his hands on Billy's ears and prays. He removes his hands and says, "How is your hearing now?” Billy says, "I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday.”
A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend. "My goodness, Mary! How have you been?” He says. "Oh, I could be better”, she says, "My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years with no luck”. "I’m so sorry”, says the priest, “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome. I tell you what, I promise to light a candle for you in the great Basilica”. Mary thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways. Five years later, the priest is at home when there is a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Mary. "I’m so glad I found you in!” she exclaims, "Do you remember that candle you lit for me, years ago? Well, my husband and I now have two sets of twins and a set of triplets, and I just found out I’m pregnant with quadruplets”. She then hands the priest an all-expenses-paid ticket to Rome. "Oh, Mary”, says the priest, “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to give me a thank-you gift”. "Oh no, it’s not a thank you”, says Mary, “It’s so you can blow out that bloody candle!”
A teacher tells her class that she is a proud American and asks them to raise their hands if they are American too. All of their hands explode into the air except one little girl. The teacher asks her why she decided to be different. “Because I'm not an American”, the little girl replies. “But you were born here”, states her teacher, “What nationality are you?” “I'm a proud Canadian”, boasts the little girl. The teacher asks the little girl why she thinks she is a Canadian. “Well, my Mum & Dad are Canadian, so I'm Canadian too”. The teacher says, “That's no reason. What if your Mum was a moron and your Dad was a moron? What would you be then?” “Oh, then I'd be an American”, replies the little girl.
Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies, “Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, “Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?" Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years." Tiger says, “But man, you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green, and again I play the ball towards his voice." “But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice." Tiger asks, “What's your handicap?" Stevie says, “Well, actually, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Stevie replies, “Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?" Woods thinks about it and says, “I can afford that, $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?" Stevie Wonder says, "How about we tee off at midnight tonight?”
Three bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with smiles on their faces. The police officer asks the coroner why they are all smiling, and the coroner explains that the first guy died of a heart attack while having sex, the second guy won the lottery and died moments after receiving the news and the last guy was struck by lightning. The police officer asks why he was smiling, and the coroner says that he thought he was having his photo taken.
Two lads are talking, and one says, “I’ve found a pen, is it yours?" The other lad replies, “I don’t know, give it here". He writes with it and says, “Yes, it’s definitely mine”, and the first lad says, “How do you know?" to which the second lad says, “Because that’s my handwriting."
A study found that a woman’s attraction to a man’s face varies with her menstrual cycle. Ovulating women prefer rugged masculine features, whereas pre-menstrual women prefer a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear through his chest. Further research has been cancelled.
Sir Keir Starmer was visiting a small English village, and he asked the villagers what the government could do for them. The chairman of the parish council explained, "We have two big needs. Firstly, we have a health centre, but no doctor." Starmer immediately whipped out his mobile phone, spoke for a while and then said, "I've sorted it, a doctor will arrive here tomorrow morning. What is your other pressing requirement?" The chairman of the parish council replied, “We have no mobile phone reception in the village."
A policeman spots an old man fishing by a pond. His bucket is full of fish. Cop: "Do you have a fishing licence, sir?” Old man: "Nope, these are my fish, I brought them from home." Cop: "You brought them from home?" Old man: "Every day I let them swim in this pond, and then I call them back." Cop: "You call them back?" Old man: "Yep. I whistle, and they jump right into my bucket." Cop: "Alright, show me." The old fella tips the fish into the pond, and they wait. Cop: "Well?" Old man: "Well, what?" Cop: "Call the fish!" Old man: "What fish?"
A man was looking for someone to paint his porch, so he hired a chap off the internet. After about 30 minutes, the painter came to the door and said, "I'm done." The man asked, "How did you get it done so fast?" Chap replies, “It was easy once I got into the swing of it, and by the way, it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A man is in bed with a married woman … when suddenly they hear the front door slam. “It's my husband. Hide in the bathroom,” says the woman frantically. The man runs into the bathroom just as the husband enters the bedroom. “Honey, why are you naked?” the husband asks. “I was waiting for you, dear,” she says. The husband walks into the bathroom and sees a naked man standing there poking the ceiling with a toilet plunger. “Who the hell are you?” the husband yells. ‘I'm the moth exterminator,” says the naked man. “Why the hell are you naked?” shouts the husband. The naked man looks down, jumps back in shock and yells, “Those sneaky buggers!”
Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims his gun. A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse.” This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, 'Why did you shout Mickey Mouse?” The agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald Duck!"
For years I’ve been on the waiting list for an allotment. Then old Mr Smith died, and I thought, ‘I’m in here …’ only to be told by my new neighbour that he had got it! I was fuming. I went to the council offices in a rage, so much so that my words all ran into one another and they told me I’d lost the plot.
Guy walks into a lawyer's office and asks the lawyer, “How much is your fee?” The lawyer answers, “I charge £50 for three questions.” The guy says, “Isn't that kind of expensive?” The lawyer replies, “Yes, it is… now what's your third question?”
A geezer has just got his second question right on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, and is on £200. “Here's the third question,” says Jeremy; “Who was known as the Great Train Robber? Was it: a) RONNIE Biggs? B) RONNIE Barker? C) RONNIE O’Sullivan? D) RONNIE Wood? Geezer replies, "Well, Jeremy, I have had a lovely time, but I am going to take the £200. Final answer” “What?” says Jeremy, “Are you mad? You still have all your lifelines left.” Geezer replies, "I might be mad, Jeremy, but I’m no grass.”
“Father, I've sinned, and I wish to confess.” “Go on, my son,” says the Father. “Okay. About two weeks ago, I was walking down my street, and my neighbour said her fridge was broken and she asked if I could come in and fix it. So, I went inside and started fixing the fridge. It started to rain really heavily. By the time I was done, it was hammering down. So, she said, " You can't go out in this rain. Come and have tea with me and let's talk. So, we had tea and one thing led to another, and I slept with her … But that's not the whole story” “Go on, my son, go on,” said the shocked Father. “Well, last week, when I popped to the local shops, a woman said that her oven wasn't working and asked if I could help. I went inside, started fixing it, and do you remember that incredible storm we had? Well, it was still pouring, so she said, you can't leave in this weather. Come and have some food. So, we ate, and one thing led to another, and I slept with her too. But there's more.” “Go on, my son, go on” “Okay. Just yesterday I was driving in my car, and it started spluttering. Luckily, I was near a garage, and the mechanic turned out to be an old friend from school. He fixed the car, but then it started chucking it down. He said, Come inside. Let's have some vodka and lemonade and catch up on old times. We drank and got a bit tipsy. One thing led to another, and I slept with him. Father, what should I do?” Father turned to him and said, “Get out of here before it starts to rain!”
A young man, fresh off the farm, goes off to college and, for his first semester, happens to have precisely the same schedule as a young woman; every one of their classes are together. They begin visiting; the young woman is friendly, and finally the young man asks her out on a date. “Sorry, but I can’t. I’ve got to do my nails.” So, he waits, asks again, and again is put off by the woman with a lame excuse. When, for the third time, she declines, he asks, “So why won’t you go out on a date with me?” “Oh! I’m from the city, and I’ve heard about you farm boys. “Heard? Heard what?” “I’ve heard how you make it with sheep and goats and chickens?” The lad is incredulous, “CHICKENS??!!!!??”
Vladimir Putin turns up at Heathrow airport. It’s his turn to have his passport checked. The Border Control guy looks at his passport for several minutes, stopping to check Putin’s face. Eventually he asks, “Occupation?” Putin replies, “No, holiday.”