Silly Stories
Welcome to the Tall Tales Ward: home of the longer, stranger, wonderfully ridiculous stories that deserve their own armchair. Sit back, pour a cuppa and enjoy a good yarn, Old Jokes Home style.
An old spinster decided that she would like to try motherhood. So, with the help of a fertility clinic and a lot of careful management, at the tender age of sixty-five, she has a little boy. When she returns from the hospital, all her relatives rally round to visit her.
"Can we see the baby,” they all ask.
"Not yet, he’s asleep,” the proud mother says.
An hour goes by and the crowd are getting restless.
"Can we see the baby now?”
"Not yet,” replied the new mum.
Another hour passes and the family are starting to doubt the authenticity of the child.
"Can we see the baby now?”
"No, not yet”
"Why not?”
"Because I’ve forgotten where I put him and I’m waiting for him to cry!”
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a cheese sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on you are a duck!”
“Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again,” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck his pint. "It's just that we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. “He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the Ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
The very next day the duck comes into the pub and the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I can get you work in the town if you are interested?"
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is this job?"
“At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again, “with the big tent with the hole in the top where the pole goes through?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Yes, of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .......
"What would they want with a plasterer?"
A bloke drags a huge box to the Antiques Roadshow. The expert says
"Where did you find this?"
Bloke says "It’s been in the attic for 40 years and I think it must be a family heirloom."
"I see," says the expert, "Tell me, do you have insurance?”
"No," he replies "Do you think I should get some?"
"Yeah," replies the expert, “it's your water tank."
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.
"I want to live forever." I said.
"Sorry." said the fairy.
"I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine" I said
"I want to die when England win the World Cup then."
"You crafty bugger." said the fairy.
The wife and I went to Wales and we stopped at
Lanfairpwllgyngyllgogerychyrndeobwylllantysiliogogoch for lunch.
I said to the waitress, "Before we order can you pronounce where we are, very slowly."
She leaned over and said, "Burr...gerr...king!"
I went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter what the specials were? He said: “We've got whale meat, whale meat, or whale meat.” I asked if he had anything other than whale meat? He said, “We've got the Vera Lynn special.” I said, “What's the Vera Lynn special?” He said, “That’s whale meat again.”
Three racehorses go into a bar. They order 3 large beers with chasers, and after a brief pause, the first horse says, "You know, a weird thing, I ran at Doncaster today, and with one furlong to go, I was ahead by a length, and suddenly, I get this piercing pain in my genitals, and I pull up and came in last. My jockey was NOT happy.” They get another round in and the second racehorse pipes up, “Here” he says, "that sounds like what happened to me at York, three lengths in front, bang, massive stabbing pain right between my legs, and I pulled up short.” The third horse says, “I can't believe it, the same thing happened to me at Lingfield. What on earth is going on?” Just then, a greyhound walks into the bar. “I say chaps” he says, "sorry to butt in like this, but I couldn't help overhearing what happened to you. The same thing happened to me at Romford, I’m out in front, competition blown away, wham! Piercing pain between my legs, and I lose by miles.” The horses look at each other speechless, and the first horse says, "Blimey, a talking dog!!!”