Doctors, Hospitals & Health Jokes
Welcome to the Medical Unit of the Old Jokes Home. Here, the doctors are unhelpful, the diagnoses are unpronounceable, and the only six-pack anyone’s maintaining comes from the off-licence. Take a seat — no appointment needed.
I'm currently looking for a moisturizer that hides the fact I've been exhausted since 2019.
I've just arrived at one of those Swiss suicide clinics. Do you know what they gave me for breakfast?
Bloody Cheerios!
Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’.
He said, “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?” I asked.
“It’s not unusual” he replied.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I have lost three days already.
I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.
I rushed outside yelling "Let me through, let me through".
A man at the front said, "Thank god for that, are you a Doctor?".
I said, "No, that's my f@*#ing pizza".
Went to the Doctors with my blocked ear.
The Doctor asked, "What ear is it?"
I replied, "2024".
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing...
If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up to begin with.
A man was admitted to hospital with 25 toy plastic horses inserted in his rectum.
Doctors say his condition is stable.
Overheard in the café at Broomfield hospital, where four distinguished looking surgeons in scrubs were having a discussion over coffee.
The first smiled, "I prefer surgery on librarians, when you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order.”
"All well and good,” said the second surgeon "but if you’re working on an accountant, everything is numbered and neat.”
"That may be so,” said the third "but electricians are all colour coded.”
"Well I prefer working on politicians,” said the fourth.
"What’s so special about them?” cried one of the other surgeons.
"It’s so easy … when you slice them open they’re heartless, gutless, spineless and the head and arse are interchangeable!”
Meanwhile at A&E Broomfield Hospital.
‘Nurse, my mate has a Quality Street chocolate stuck in his windpipe'.
'The purple one?'
'Yes, that's him.’
The doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it. No, he said you could have a stroke at any time.
I've just been back to my doctor and I said, "That haemorrhoid cream you gave me caused a very nasty reaction"
He said, "where did you apply it?”
I said "on the bus."
It's very important to keep fit.
My Grandma started walking 5 miles a day when she was 50.
She's 72 now and we don't know where the hell she is.
I got a new stick of deodorant today.
The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom."
I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.
I went to the doctors yesterday, and I said, "Do you treat alcoholics?” He said, “Yes, of course we do.”
I said, "Any chance of taking me for a beer then because I’m skint!"