Everyday Life, Shopping & Domestic Chaos
This is the Everyday Living Unit — where life admin goes wrong, shopping trips go feral and home maintenance is a sporting event. Little moments, big laughs, and plenty of “oh, that’s me” energy.
I was in Tesco and I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said, “Are you two an item?”
A guy goes into the chemist to buy condoms.
Cashier: “Would you like a bag sir?”
Man: “No, she’s not that ugly.”
I was bored so l swapped all the sweets into different wrappers.
My wife wasn’t amused, she got her Snickers in a Twix.
I'm having a bad day!
I tried buttoning my shirt and the button fell off, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off, I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off, there is no way l'm chancing having a pee!
In the 80s l was riding my bike and I fell off and hurt my knee.
I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media back then.
I was at the checkout in Tesco the other day with a trolley full of shopping. There was an old lady behind me with just a pint of milk.
I said, "Is that all you have?"
She replied, "Yes".
So, I said, "You’d better f@*# off to another checkout then, I'll be ages with this lot".
Have you noticed that most of the proper household cleaning agents are Mr Min, Mr Muscle, Mr Sheen, Mr Clean.....
And women are complaining that men don't help around the house.
I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I've cracked it.
I have a doctor's appointment.
Looking to swap it for an Oasis ticket.
To the person who stole my trainers and hi-viz jacket, “You can run but you can’t hide.”
Phoned the cops last night.
"Someone has just nicked my car,”
"Sir, did you happen to see the driver?”
"No, but I got the number plate!”
So, when a baby falls asleep with a bottle, it’s cute … But when I do it, not so.
Why is it considered OK for women to go to the toilet in pairs, but when I do it, I get thrown out of the greengrocer’s?
I like helping people find things by pointing out that – ‘it’s got to be around here somewhere.’
We don’t throw away perfectly good food in this household. We put it in a Tupperware container, wait until it goes off and then we throw it away.
A sweater I purchased from M&S was picking up static electricity, so I decided to return it. They gave me a replacement free of charge.
I just went into a shop and said, “Can I pay by card?” The bloke at the till said, “Sure no problem, what card do you have?” I said, “The six of spades.”
I ran out of toilet paper and I’m having to use lettuce leaves. Today was the tip of the iceberg.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman angrily walks to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to a fellow passenger and says, “That driver just insulted me!” Her fellow passenger says, “Don’t stand for that. You go back there and tell him off. Here, I’ll hold the monkey for you.”
Due to the really bad weather, I decided to see if my 83-year-old neighbour needed anything from the local shop. As it happens, she did so I gave her my list too. There’s no point in both of us going out in this awful weather.