You’ve arrived at the Pub Lounge — where the pints are questionable, the decisions are worse, and someone’s definitely going to tell you their life story. Raise a glass and enjoy the finest drinking tales to stagger through our doors.
Be extra careful on the roads with the new year here. A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive them home.
I have a bumper sticker that says
"Honk if you think I'm sexy." Sometimes I sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.
In celebration of Rachel's budget reduction of 1p off the price of a pint, local pubs now have a special offer…….just buy 480 pints and get one absolutely free.
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box, and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking mate, there's no paper in this one either."
Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a bouncer.
To me, drinking responsibly means not spilling any.
A man walks into a pub and orders a whisky. He takes it outside to enjoy the sunshine and watch the world go by. As he's sipping, a nun walks by and scolds him, “How can you pollute your soul with the devil's drink?” She says. The man replies, “This isn't the devil's drink. It's just a whisky.” The nun argues that it's wicked and sinful, but admits she's never actually tasted it, only heard from others how evil it is. After some back and forth, the nun finally says, “You know what? You’re right, if I have a sip, I will probably understand better, but I can't be seen drinking out here. Could you order me one in a teacup, please?” The man nods, heads back inside and says to the barman, “Two whiskies please and can you pour one in a teacup?” The barman shakes his head and says, "Is that bloody nun out there again?”
I went out for a few drinks after work the other day, and I got a bit carried away, so I left the car at the pub and took a taxi home. Sure enough, just up the road, the Police were pulling over cars and breathalysing the drivers. Being in a taxi, they just waved me past, which is strange because I've never driven one before and never had a clue where I got it from.
I was in the pub last night, and this girl said to me, "Would you like a drink?" I said, "You're a bit forward aren't you?" She said, "I’m the barmaid".
A bloke walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink. The bartender asks him, "What brings you to Canada?" The bloke says, "Well, I was in a pub, and the beer mat under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry' so, I thought I'd give it a go."
I was in the pub a few months ago with my mate, and these 4 huge guys started mouthing off at us. "Pretend we're the police", my mate whispered to me. I only got halfway through the first verse of Roxanne before being thrown out of a window.
I used to work in a pub next to a hospital, and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins.
I asked him how I could help, and bizarrely, he said, “Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 Jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila?
It’s a free country, so I start to pour the drinks and put them on the bar one at a time. As I finished pouring all of the drinks, he downed them in order and finished on the shots of tequila, which he dispatched one at a time at a quick pace.
He then looked at me, really sad and said, “I shouldn’t have drunk all that with what I’ve got.” I said, “Why, what have you got?” He said, “About £3.50.”
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”
Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So, he invited the old man inside for a drink.
As they sipped their whiskies, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
I met a girl at The Ship. I asked, "May I buy you a drink?” She said, "Okay, but it won't do you any good.” A little later, I asked her again, "May I buy you another drink?” "Okay, buy me another drink, but it won't get you anywhere,” she said. At closing time, I invited her up to my flat for coffee, and she said, "Okay, but just so you know, it’ll not do you any good.” When we arrived at the apartment, I turned and said, "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. I want you for my wife." "Oh," she replied, "That's different, send her in … and shut the door on your way out."