One-Liners & Quick Laughs
You’ve reached the One-Liner Corridor — where the humour is sharp, snappy and occasionally groan-worthy. Perfect for a quick laugh, a clever pun or a joke so bad it’s good again.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
This isn’t the best ceiling I’ve ever seen, but it’s definitely up there.
I was arguing with a guy in a pub because he said he was a BIG pop star in the 80’s.
I didn’t believe him but he was Adamant.
Why didn’t the melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe.
I asked the baker why all of his cakes were 50p but this one is £1?
He said, “That’s Madeira cake.”
Hi, welcome to assumptions club.
I think we all know why you are here.
Where do most superheroes live?
Cape Town.
The fact that some people can’t tell the difference between etymology and entomology bugs me in a way I can’t put into words.
Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times people were called Lance a lot.
Mr Tickle married his childhood sweetheart but Tess kept her own surname.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Take heart, half the people you know are below average.
Sad news yesterday, the chap who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next monkey.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The world’s worst limbo dancer walks into a bar...
Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the world’s oldest ever living man.
He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.
Don't know if this is a wind up but I just received a text saying that l've won £250 in cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says, “Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show”.
I am an extremely emotionally needy person, my pronouns are, there there!
I bought eight legs of venison the other day for fifty quid. Is that too deer?
When I was a kid, I thought that body hair was gross, but then it kind of grew on me!
A tip for you. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Paranoia hotline:
I just called the paranoia hotline.
A guy answered and said, "How the hell did you get this number?"
Times New Roman and Comic Sans walk into a bar.
Bartender says, “We don't serve your type here.”
Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people.
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers? Neither have eye.
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
I did my first nude painting yesterday. The neighbours weren't happy, but the front door looks great!
My daughter doesn’t think I give her enough privacy. At least, that’s what she wrote in her diary.
This is the first year I won’t have run the London Marathon due to illness. I usually don't do it because I am fat and can't run.
A fella tried to sell me a coffin today. That’s the last thing I need.
When I lost the fingers on my right hand in an accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn't count on it.”
I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up, mate. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow, "Mind if I say a word?" She says, "Please do." The man clears his throat and says, "Bargain." The widow replies, "Thanks, that means a great deal."
A man has been shot with a starting pistol and then beaten with a relay baton. Police believe it may be a race-related attack.
If you are attracted to both women and men, but neither of them are attracted to you, that means you are bi-yourself.
Can someone please tell me what LGBTQ+ stands for? Nobody is giving me a straight answer.
I was at a funeral yesterday when I asked the vicar for the WiFi code, and he shouted, “Please, have some respect for the deceased,” and I replied, “Is that all in lower case, vicar?”
Thieves raided Chelmsford Police Station last night and nicked all the toilet seats. A Police spokesperson said they have nothing to go on.
This time 5 years ago, it was illegal for people to be within 6 feet of me. I really miss that.
Just as we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, “We should have dinner again.” I replied, “I don't think so, I’m stuffed.”
My son Luke loves that I named our children after Star Wars characters. My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.
l would like to thank whoever told my old mum that WTF means, "Wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.
Nostalgia ain’t as good as what it used to be!
I have just read a post saying, "Lonely man seeks wife." Apparently, he had 300 replies, all saying, "You can have mine."
Just to let you all know, I have been admitted to hospital. I poisoned myself. I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodil bulb. They have said I'll be out sometime in the Spring.
Me: “You seem happier.” Wife: “Thanks, I uploaded our whole argument onto ChatGPT and it said I was right.”
By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left in your life.
My mother-in-law was married twice. Her first husband died with food poisoning after eating dodgy mushrooms. Her second one died with a fractured skull. He wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
My wife called me at the pub. She said if I was not home in 10 minutes, she would feed my dinner to the dog. I was home in five. I love that dog too much to see any harm come to him.
I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop. He's not perfect, but he knows the drill.
Q. What did the cheese say whilst looking at himself in the mirror? A. “Halloumi’
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
I was walking past a farm, and a sign said: Duck, eggs! I thought: That's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is a little lighter.
I refused to believe my roadworker father was stealing from his job. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Someone actually commented on my driving today. They left a little note saying, " Parking fine.”
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and I accidentally gave her the super glue by mistake. She's not talking to me.
What's the difference between Dubai & Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant. To which she replies, "No, it kills them."
I’m not claiming that I had a rough time with my pregnancy, but I was throwing up during conception!