One-Liners & Quick Laughs
You’ve reached the One-Liner Corridor — where the humour is sharp, snappy and occasionally groan-worthy. Perfect for a quick laugh, a clever pun or a joke so bad it’s good again.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
This isn’t the best ceiling I’ve ever seen, but it’s definitely up there.
I was arguing with a guy in a pub because he said he was a BIG pop star in the 80’s.
I didn’t believe him but he was Adamant.
Why didn’t the melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe.
I asked the baker why all of his cakes were 50p but this one is £1?
He said, “That’s Madeira cake.”
Hi, welcome to assumptions club.
I think we all know why you are here.
Where do most superheroes live?
Cape Town.
The fact that some people can’t tell the difference between etymology and entomology bugs me in a way I can’t put into words.
Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times people were called Lance a lot.
Mr Tickle married his childhood sweetheart but Tess kept her own surname.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Take heart, half the people you know are below average.
Sad news yesterday, the chap who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next monkey.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The world’s worst limbo dancer walks into a bar...
Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the world’s oldest ever living man.
He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.
Don't know if this is a wind up but I just received a text saying that l've won £250 in cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says, “Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show”.
I am an extremely emotionally needy person, my pronouns are, there there!
I bought eight legs of venison the other day for fifty quid. Is that too deer?
When I was a kid, I thought that body hair was gross, but then it kind of grew on me!
A tip for you. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Paranoia hotline:
I just called the paranoia hotline.
A guy answered and said, "How the hell did you get this number?"
Times New Roman and Comic Sans walk into a bar.
Bartender says, “We don't serve your type here.”
Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people.
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers? Neither have eye.
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
I did my first nude painting yesterday. The neighbours weren't happy, but the front door looks great!
My daughter doesn’t think I give her enough privacy. At least, that’s what she wrote in her diary.
This is the first year I won’t have run the London Marathon due to illness. I usually don't do it because I am fat and can't run.
A fella tried to sell me a coffin today. That’s the last thing I need.
When I lost the fingers on my right hand in an accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn't count on it.”
I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up, mate. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow, "Mind if I say a word?" She says, "Please do." The man clears his throat and says, "Bargain." The widow replies, "Thanks, that means a great deal."