One-Liners & Quick Laughs
You’ve reached the One-Liner Corridor — where the humour is sharp, snappy and occasionally groan-worthy. Perfect for a quick laugh, a clever pun or a joke so bad it’s good again.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
This isn’t the best ceiling I’ve ever seen, but it’s definitely up there.
I was arguing with a guy in a pub because he said he was a BIG pop star in the 80’s.
I didn’t believe him but he was Adamant.
Why didn’t the melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe.
I asked the baker why all of his cakes were 50p but this one is £1?
He said, “That’s Madeira cake.”
Hi, welcome to assumptions club.
I think we all know why you are here.
Where do most superheroes live?
Cape Town.
The fact that some people can’t tell the difference between etymology and entomology bugs me in a way I can’t put into words.
Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times people were called Lance a lot.
Mr Tickle married his childhood sweetheart but Tess kept her own surname.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Take heart, half the people you know are below average.
Sad news yesterday, the chap who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next monkey.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The world’s worst limbo dancer walks into a bar...
Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the world’s oldest ever living man.
He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.
Don't know if this is a wind up but I just received a text saying that l've won £250 in cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says, “Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show”.
I am an extremely emotionally needy person, my pronouns are, there there!
I bought eight legs of venison the other day for fifty quid. Is that too deer?
When I was a kid, I thought that body hair was gross, but then it kind of grew on me!
A tip for you. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Paranoia hotline:
I just called the paranoia hotline.
A guy answered and said, "How the hell did you get this number?"
Times New Roman and Comic Sans walk into a bar.
Bartender says, “We don't serve your type here.”
Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects 1% of people.
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers? Neither have eye.
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
I did my first nude painting yesterday. The neighbours weren't happy, but the front door looks great!
My daughter doesn’t think I give her enough privacy. At least, that’s what she wrote in her diary.
This is the first year I won’t have run the London Marathon due to illness. I usually don't do it because I am fat and can't run.
A fella tried to sell me a coffin today. That’s the last thing I need.
When I lost the fingers on my right hand in an accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn't count on it.”
I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up, mate. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow, "Mind if I say a word?" She says, "Please do." The man clears his throat and says, "Bargain." The widow replies, "Thanks, that means a great deal."
A man has been shot with a starting pistol and then beaten with a relay baton. Police believe it may be a race-related attack.
If you are attracted to both women and men, but neither of them are attracted to you, that means you are bi-yourself.
Can someone please tell me what LGBTQ+ stands for? Nobody is giving me a straight answer.
I was at a funeral yesterday when I asked the vicar for the WiFi code, and he shouted, “Please, have some respect for the deceased,” and I replied, “Is that all in lower case, vicar?”
Thieves raided Chelmsford Police Station last night and nicked all the toilet seats. A Police spokesperson said they have nothing to go on.
This time 5 years ago, it was illegal for people to be within 6 feet of me. I really miss that.
Just as we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, “We should have dinner again.” I replied, “I don't think so, I’m stuffed.”
My son Luke loves that I named our children after Star Wars characters. My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.
l would like to thank whoever told my old mum that WTF means, "Wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.
Nostalgia ain’t as good as what it used to be!
I have just read a post saying, "Lonely man seeks wife." Apparently, he had 300 replies, all saying, "You can have mine."
Just to let you all know, I have been admitted to hospital. I poisoned myself. I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodil bulb. They have said I'll be out sometime in the Spring.
Me: “You seem happier.” Wife: “Thanks, I uploaded our whole argument onto ChatGPT and it said I was right.”
By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left in your life.
My mother-in-law was married twice. Her first husband died with food poisoning after eating dodgy mushrooms. Her second one died with a fractured skull. He wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
My wife called me at the pub. She said if I was not home in 10 minutes, she would feed my dinner to the dog. I was home in five. I love that dog too much to see any harm come to him.
I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop. He's not perfect, but he knows the drill.
Q. What did the cheese say whilst looking at himself in the mirror? A. “Halloumi’
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
I was walking past a farm, and a sign said: Duck, eggs! I thought: That's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is a little lighter.
I refused to believe my roadworker father was stealing from his job. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Someone actually commented on my driving today. They left a little note saying, " Parking fine.”
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and I accidentally gave her the super glue by mistake. She's not talking to me.
What's the difference between Dubai & Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant. To which she replies, "No, it kills them."
I’m not claiming that I had a rough time with my pregnancy, but I was throwing up during conception!
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.
How does Spider-Man always come up with such great comebacks? Because with special powers comes great response ability.
29% of all accidents are caused by speeding, so that means 71% are caused by driving at or below the speed limit. Statistically, that means that it’s safer to speed in your car.
The CEO of IKEA has just been elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
Did you know that by replacing chips, chocolate and other snacks with healthy foods, you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you have left in life?
You never see a brewery using a drunk person to advertise their beer. Are they ashamed of their customers?
Apologies to the old folks we used to mock for eating dinner at 5.00pm and being in bed by 9.00pm. You guys were really onto something.
Whenever you think there is no hope left for you, just remember the lobsters in the tank of the restaurant on the Titanic.
Did you know that 2026 backwards is 6202, and if you take away the 0 and the 2, you get 62. It doesn't mean anything, but thanks for reading.
I’ve had the same recurring dream every night since Thursday. I’m a horse just running around. That’s three nights on the trot.
I bought myself a senior's GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there in the first place.
They told me I would never be any good at poetry because of my dyslexia. They can go do one. So far, I've made five jugs and a vase!
When Lord Nelson died, he was just 5 feet tall. His statue in Trafalgar Square is 15 feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1.
I just had my patience tested. It came back as negative.
I just found out that I’m colour blind. I must say, the diagnosis came right out of the purple.
Why do the French eat snails? They don’t like fast food.
Breaking news. A psychic midget has escaped from prison. There’s a small medium at large.
Apparently, condoms no longer guarantee safe sex. My mate Brian was wearing one last week when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I’m very annoyed. About a month ago, I sent my hearing aid in for repair. I’ve heard nothing ever since.
My wife asked if I’d seen the dog bowl. I replied, “I didn’t even know he played cricket”.
Do you know that women call me ugly? That’s until they know how much money I’ve got. Then they call me ugly and poor.
I had a wonderful childhood. My father used to put me inside car tyres and roll me down the hill. Those were the Good Years!
Do you know, I’ve never once had a splinter. Touch wood!
Last night I got pulled over by a WPC. When she told me to step out of the car, she said: "You’re staggering!" I replied, "You're not so bad yourself."
If Smurfs suffocate, what colour do they turn?
I’ve been given the top job at McDonald’s. I’m the C-I-E-I-O.
A recent study showed that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I’m not surprised; I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Why did the old man fall into a well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
I stopped trusting the English language when the teacher said: "Give her her pen" was correct but, "Give him him pen" was incorrect.
My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. I’ve dropped him off at the vets. Still no word yet. (That one is for Lucy!)
A thief broke into my house last night. He was searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.
My hubby asked me why I speak so softly in the house. I explained that I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
What type of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
The composer of the Hokey-Cokey has died. Apparently, it took ages to get him into his coffin.
My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute if you want to go skydiving again.
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?” Dad: “Call me George.”
“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing except at a funeral.