Kids, School & Family Life Jokes
Welcome to the Family Room of the Old Jokes Home. Kids say the strangest things, parents do their best (apparently) and nobody’s entirely sure who started it. Settle in for chaos, charm and the real reason adults need naps.
Teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect, for which I am eternally grapefruit.
“Mum, am I adopted?”
“No son, but there’s still time.”
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She added that I need to pay more attention when doing the school pick up.
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning and she asked me, "How do you know it was on its way to work?"
Teacher: “Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat and Detail.”
Little Johnnie: “When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.”
A little boy kills a butterfly.
Dad says, "No butter for you for two weeks!"
The little boy then kills a honeybee, and Dad says, "No honey for you for two weeks!"
Mom kills a cockroach, and the little boy turns to his Dad and says, “Are you going to tell her or should I?”
I'm not saying I'm old, but when I was in school, we made ashtrays for our parents in art class.
EIGHT QUID to see Father Christmas!! And I had to queue for ages for a ONE-minute meeting, and I received a rubbish toy – what a rip off – I’m FUMING! So glad I never took the kids.
Before my Grandfather died, he told me that he got to see the Titanic and that from the very beginning, he told them the passengers shouldn’t get on board because he knew it was going to sink. But nobody listened, and he repeatedly told them right up to the minute they kicked him out of the cinema.
Son: “Dad, did you go to the same school as me?” Me: “Yes, I did 25 years ago. Why do you ask?” Son: “Mrs Johnson said today she hasn't seen an idiot like me in 25 years.”
My four-year-old woke me by tugging on my arm. "Yes, Tom.” I said groggily, "What can I do for you?” "Can I have a glass of water, please?” he said. "But Tom,” I said, glancing at the clock. "I got you a glass of water twenty minutes ago?” "Yes,” he said, "But the fire in my bedroom is spreading.”
A bloke goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello to him, and he’s rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So, he says, “Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my children." His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my stag do that I made love to on the pool table with all my pals watching while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
A door-to-door salesman knocks on the front door of a house. The door is answered by a 12-year-old lad holding a glass of cognac, smoking a large cigar and draped by a couple of prostitutes. The salesman asks, "Are your parents home?" The kid replies, "What do you think?"
A young boy walks into a strip club, and later his mom finds out, and she says, “Did you see anything you weren't supposed to see?" The boy says, “Yeah, I saw Dad!"
I entered my son’s room and declared, "Remember, son, masturbating can make you go blind." "I'm over here, Dad", he replied.
I ordered a Chinese takeaway last night. As I got in the car, I heard the bag rustle. I looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out the top of the bag at me, then they disappeared back inside. I looked and saw it again. I ran back into the shop with the bag and asked the owner what was going on? He replied, 'Don’t worry, it’s just the peeking duck.'
Teacher: “Why are you late?” Student: “My parents were fighting!” Teacher: “Is that a valid reason to be late?” Student: “My mum was using one of my shoes to beat my dad with so I had to wait until she was done.”
I asked my daughter to give me the phone book. She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur and then passed me her iPhone. Now the spider is dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter isn’t talking to me.
I was walking down the street with my wife the other day, and we saw my mother-in-law being beaten up by six men. My wife shouts, “Aren’t you going to help?” and I reply, “Nah, six should be enough!”
My son told me there is a small get-together at his school tomorrow. I asked him how small it was, and he replied, “Just you, me and the head teacher.”
I was out driving today and decided to go and visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My mum and dad are so cruel at times.